If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
- Thread starter ANMMark
- Start date
If Microsoft Built Cars
1.Each time the lines on the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
2.Occasionally, your car would die on the highway for no reason. You would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Your car would crash at least twice a day, for no reason whatsoever.
4. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, you could just borrow a friend's and copy it.
5. The air bag system would say, "Are You Sure?" before going off.
6. A single "General Car Default" warning light would replace oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights.
7. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". Of course, then you would have to buy more seats.
8. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only work on five percent of the roads.
9. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
1.Each time the lines on the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
2.Occasionally, your car would die on the highway for no reason. You would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Your car would crash at least twice a day, for no reason whatsoever.
4. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, you could just borrow a friend's and copy it.
5. The air bag system would say, "Are You Sure?" before going off.
6. A single "General Car Default" warning light would replace oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights.
7. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". Of course, then you would have to buy more seats.
8. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only work on five percent of the roads.
9. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
MS Tech Goes to Bootcamp
One of Microsoft's top technicians was drafted and sent off to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given instructions, a rifle and some bullets. After firing several shots at the target, the report from the target area indicated that all shots had completely missed.
Remembering what he learned at Microsoft, the technician looked at his rifle, then the target, then looked at both again. Placing his finger over the end of the rifle barrel, he squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, which prompted him to yell toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
One of Microsoft's top technicians was drafted and sent off to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given instructions, a rifle and some bullets. After firing several shots at the target, the report from the target area indicated that all shots had completely missed.
Remembering what he learned at Microsoft, the technician looked at his rifle, then the target, then looked at both again. Placing his finger over the end of the rifle barrel, he squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, which prompted him to yell toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
dubs
New member
You've been programming too long when you..
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
haha just had to throw that one in there
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
haha just had to throw that one in there
webfreak08
New member
You've Got Mail
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.
About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.
She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.
"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.
About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.
She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.
"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"
Lesson In Logic
A third-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and said, "To draw out all his savings?"
A third-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and said, "To draw out all his savings?"
Winning Essay
A college "Creative Writing" class was asked by the professor to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery
The writer of the best essay would be given a bookstore gift certificate. The winning essay read:
"My God!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
A college "Creative Writing" class was asked by the professor to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery
The writer of the best essay would be given a bookstore gift certificate. The winning essay read:
"My God!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
American History
It was the first day of school and a new student named Toshiba, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered fourth grade.
After greeting the class, the teacher said, "We'll begin by reviewing some American history. Who was it that said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me death'?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "That was Patrick Henry, 1775," the boy said.
"Now," said the teacher, ""who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, Toshiba was the only student to respond. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
Turning to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.
Toshiba raised his hand. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."
"Who said that?" the teacher said.
Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student shouted, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my d***."
Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
It was the first day of school and a new student named Toshiba, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered fourth grade.
After greeting the class, the teacher said, "We'll begin by reviewing some American history. Who was it that said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me death'?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "That was Patrick Henry, 1775," the boy said.
"Now," said the teacher, ""who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, Toshiba was the only student to respond. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
Turning to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.
Toshiba raised his hand. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."
"Who said that?" the teacher said.
Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student shouted, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my d***."
Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
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