Listen. I have to tell you about something really scary that happened with our Badonkadonk. I don't mean this in any alarmist way, and our experience certainly shouldn't put off anyone who would otherwise purchase this product. My goal is simply to share some hard-learned wisdom.
Let's be honest, when you're getting an armored vehicle for under $20,000 you know the manufacturer had to make some compromises in some of the build materials in order to keep the price attractive. Clearly, armored vehicles are something we all want and that every world citizen will soon need. Who can criticize Badonkadonk for wanting to establish themselves as the leaders of home-use mechanized defensive transportation by establishing a price point that makes their product accessible to everyone?
Anyway, here's what happened. My wife was using our Badonkadonk to transport our twin girls, Alopecia and Halitosis, to preschool; as she does every weekday morning. Things were going along fine and she had just been waved past the tank barricade when all of a sudden this Soviet-era MIG 17 comes screaming overhead intent on doing a bombing run on the Wee Wittle `Weetheart's preschool and kindergarten fortress. Naturally, my wife popped her head out of the top hatch (boy were those engineers thinking when they thought to include that top hatch!), hefted a shoulder mounted rocket launcher, took aim, and prepared to fire. Now I love my wife, and I don't mean to say anything critical about her in a public forum like this, but if I told her once, I told her a thousand times, as you're setting up your shot you should also be disarming the safety. Well, let's just put it down to the heat of the moment, my wife forgot about the safety. She squeezed the trigger and . . . nothing!
That moment's hesitation was enough for the MIG pilot to adjust his flight run and make a pass at the Badonkadonk. Thank God he thought to save his bombs for the school and simply do a strafing run at the big-B. Here's where the really scary part comes in. What we discovered is that the armor on the sides of the Badonkadonk is not strong enough to keep aircraft-caliber titanium-headed ammo on the outside. Once the round has pierced the Badonkadonk's skin, though, it is strong enough to keep the bullets ricocheting around on the inside. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM went the MIGs guns. PING PING PING PING PING went the rounds as they rattle around inside the vehicle.
I won't keep you on the edge of your seat. By some miracle of our merciful lord and savior my wife and our two darling daughters didn't sustain any mortal wounds. All three, of course, were wearing Kevlar vests, and this made a world of difference (if you haven't outfitted your entire family with Kevlar, DO IT RIGHT NOW!). What unfortunately did happen was they all sustained multiple hits to their arms and legs. How on earth did all those rounds miss those precious heads? Only heaven knows, my friends. Only heaven knows.
Nerve and skin grafts are presents from above and I'm delighted to report that in several short years it's expected that all three of my loved ones could possibly see some return of feeling and/or movement to one or more limbs. Halleluiah!
Anyway, I've learned the lesson that our brave heroes in Iraq have taught us as well and, after a successful trip to the scrap yard, have upgraded the armor on the sides of our Badonkadonk to aircraft-assault grade.
Our nanny does the driving now. She reports that while the 6hp engine clearly demonstrates a degradation in performance due to the added weight of the additional armor, the security she feels in knowing that she and our loved ones are guarded by an additional 3 inches of steel makes it all worthwhile.
